hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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