My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
