and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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