In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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