also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
