we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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