Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
