Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize