When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
