My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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