Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
