Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
