um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
