Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
