Jerry, you need to find god
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
40s are totally the cure
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
