I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
