I need to stop coming to work sober
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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