I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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