Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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