I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's Friday. Sex?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
