maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
