im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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