At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
