NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize