Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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