Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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