I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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