I just threw up on my dentist
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
