I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
