trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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