I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
