tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
What a dumb baby whore.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
