you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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