chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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