I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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