No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
