I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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