Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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