Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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