i already hear my dad disowning me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
