all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
