I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Randomize
