Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
