My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize