I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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