I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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