Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
