We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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