It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
