if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
