Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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