maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
