Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
