how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
