I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
