Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
