He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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