I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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