I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
